Top Five Backhoes for Burying Dinosaur Bones According to The Devil

We recently sat down with The Dark Lord himself to find out which backhoes are the cream of the crop when it comes to planting evidence of prehistoric creatures in order to undermine the Truth of Creationism and turn souls away from God."Let's face it, burying dinosaur bones...

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Morrissey Charging Extra for Non Meet & Greet Tickets

Morrissey, the iconic frontman of The Smiths and a solo artist in his own right, is once again making headlines, and once again it's not for his music. The latest controversy surrounding the singer involves the pricing structure for his upcoming tour, which includes an extra...

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Band Without Gear Starts Fraudulent 'Stolen Gear' GoFundMe to Pay for Gear

WINONA, MN—In the age of crowdfunding, musicians often turn to platforms like GoFundMe to finance their projects, tours, or even recover from unforeseen disasters. It's a great platform to help communities come together and support those in need. However, a recent incident involving...

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Dead Animal Assembly Plant Launches Build-A-Bear Workshop Franchise

UPDATE: Build-A-Bear Workshop, Inc. has filed an injunction against Dead Animal Assembly Plant stating they "never approved these ghastly changes to store operations."Stirring both fascination and controversy, the renowned industrial band Dead Animal Assembly Plant has ventured...

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Opinion: Game Accurate Halo, ToeJam & Earl Series Would be Boring

Many fans of the popular Halo video games are upset that the Paramount+ series starring Pablo Schreiber has strayed so far from the source material. I honestly can't understand why. Granted, I'm not much of a gamer and have never played Halo, but I have played ToeJam & Earl...

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Mall Santa Confesses to Being One True Santa, 14 Murders

CHESTNUT GROVE, NC—A beloved mall Santa has left a community awestruck by revealing a closely guarded secret: He is the one true Santa Claus and committed a string of grisly murders in 1971. What began as a whimsical tale turned into a holiday miracle and then a horrifying tale...

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Opinion: Labeling Regular Donuts as Cream Filled Should be a Federal Crime

The gas station donut industry has operated without oversight for too long. The time has come for the federal government to step in and finally start protecting its citizens from negligence.Three times in a row, I got fucked by multiple Kwik Trips labeling regular long johns...

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How to Disguise Needing a Drummer for Your Band as a Christmas Gift for Your Kid

Are you struggling to find a drummer for your band? Do you want to surprise your child with a meaningful gift this Christmas? Why not disguise your need for a drummer as a Christmas gift for your kid? In just a few easy steps, you can fill the vacant role in your band.Step 1:...

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Artoffact Records Signs Industrial Supergroup: Mr.Kitty, Mangadrive, Dahvie Vanity, Sin Quirin

In a bold move that promises to reshape the landscape of industrial music, Artoffact Records has officially signed a powerhouse collaboration comprising four pedophiles: Mr.Kitty, Mangadrive, Dahvie Vanity, and Sin Quirin. The announcement of the new group, Pred8turs, has sent...

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Rookie Sound Guy Pleased to be Getting Thumbs Up From Singer

CHICAGO, IL—In a heartwarming moment that unfolded at The Metro, a rookie sound engineer found himself basking in the limelight as he received a thumbs-up of approval from the lead singer of the headline band during their performance. The incident transpired during an electrifying...

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